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SELLERS: Congress Must Pass PAUL Act to End Hammer-Related Domestic Violence

This law would be designed to cover a full spectrum of potential deadly threats, including subway trains, samurai swords, cement milkshakes, pointy keychains, lawn-care implements and other household items...

Author’s note: Some of the content below may be considered satirical in nature.

(Ben Sellers, Headline USA) When you think about it while under the influence of certain substances, there is something undeniably profound about the passage of time.

As a young lad studying the history of the Civil War, this was impressed upon me when reading contemporaneous letters of the era in the University of Virginia’s special-collections archives.

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“Might they ever have imagined, when writing these personal and intimate accounts of their daily lives, that they would be preserved for posterity to pore over,” I wondered.

For media enthusiasts like myself, the ever-evolving story surrounding Paul Pelosi’s assault early Friday has been a rare opportunity to watch history unfold in real time, knowing full well that future scholars may use it to understand what went wrong with America.

After having witnessed earlier test-runs in the dissemination of leftist media propaganda and disinformation, it was easy to see and predict where Democrats intended to take it, blaming “ultra-MAGA” for the hammer assault in one of the poshest, most elite neighborhoods of one of the most leftist cities in the country, despite a preponderance of evidence to the contrary.

Less expected, however, was how the shocking details—as reported exclusively by conservative media—would begin to unravel the phony narrative like a loose thread in a tacky Christmas sweater, yielding surprising discoveries at every turn.

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From our initial report early Friday morning, which pegged it as another random act of violence in the lawless city by the Bay, it took only two days’ time to spin off into a yarn that touched on nudist pedophile cults and a gay lovers’ quarrel gone bad—something akin to the Big Lebowski meets Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

Perhaps the truth—which may never be revealed, pending the fate of poor, unhinged assailant David DePape—lies somewhere in between.

There is, however, something that Democrats and Republicans alike should be able to agree upon: the need for direct and immediate action.

With that in mind, I call on GOP leaders in Congress to put forward a new bill, the PAUL (Preventing Assaults by Underwear-clad Lovers) Act, which would effectively function as a sort of red-flag law for hammers and other blunt instruments in the hands of unstable romantic partners.

Given the speed with which opportunistic lawmakers railroaded through anti-gun legislation in the wake of the Uvalde tragedy, there is no reason this shouldn’t be passed while Democrats maintain control of the House as a fitting tribute to the presiding House speaker.

Since red-flag laws apply to gun safety, the new designation for hammers should be a different color. But really, this law would be designed to cover a full spectrum of potential deadly threats, including (but not limited to) subway trains, samurai swords, cement milkshakes, pointy keychains, lawn-care implements and other household items.

Thus, it is only right that they be called rainbow-flag laws.

And since many of these assaults seem to take place disproportionately in leftist cities where the abolition of basic drug laws proved to be the gateway to an unimpeded cultural cascade of impunity, that rainbow flag ought also to contain a marijuana leaf.

Among the warning signs that rainbow-flag laws may use to deem someone mentally unstable:

  • Resident of Berkeley
  • Signs of PTDS (Permanent Trump-Derangement Syndrome)
  • Elevated traces of Botox in bloodstream
  • Still wearing COVID mask outdoors w/ no underlying risk factors
  • Recently featured on Libs of TikTok
  • Among the 33% of respondents who would still re-elect Joe Biden
  • Wakes up early to see Don Lemon’s morning show
  • Tweets violent threats @ Elon Musk for eliminating Twitter’s censorship
  • Election denier (2016 variant)
  • Invites you, after a glass of champagne with dinner, to take a ride in his 2021 Porsche Carrera from Napa Valley to his Pacific Heights mansion, while reassuring you that his wife is out of town on a trip to Taiwan and may be shot down by Chinese fighter jets

Ben Sellers is the editor of Headline USA. Follow him at truthsocial.com/@bensellers.

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