Thursday, February 2, 2023
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Rand Paul Delivers Annual Festivus Report w/ Bonus Yuletide Treat

'What’s up with your government’s obsession with getting animals high? ... '

(Mark Pellin, Headline USA) As reliable as spiked eggnog for fueling holiday spirits, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., delivered his annual Festivus Report highlighting the fiscal foolery tucked into the federal government’s bloated budget, including $4.4 million for studies to watch hamsters fight on steroids and programs training mice to binge drink.

As an added yuletide treat, Paul also released his unique rendition of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, to the refrain of Congress’s $1.7-trillion omnibus spending spree.

“’Twas the week before Christmas and through the Senate and House not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The earmarks were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there,” Paul recited.

“The Senators were nestled all sung in their beds, while visions of pork danced in their heads. No budget was found just mischief and debt, while the taxpayers hung their poor heads and wept.”

The tears of fiscal insanity continued with the Festivus Report.

“The spending is way beyond anything we have seen before. And the big spenders aren’t done trying,” Paul said. “If we don’t stop this and change course, we will have a massive problem.”

A bulk of the spending was sucked up by $475 billion on interest payments on the national debt, and the full list of wasteful funding was long and deep, including $2.3 million for the National Institutes of Health to shoot up puppies with cocaine and other drugs.

“What’s up with your government’s obsession with getting animals high?” the Festivus Report pondered.

The answer tied to Anthony Fauci’s National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases experiments to “de-bark” beagle puppies.

The NIH also spent more than $3 million for a decades-long study “to watch steroid-injected hamsters fight to study whether current drugs for aggressive youth suppress steroid- induced aggression.”

The wasteful funding flowed in true Festivus fashion:

  • $2.1 million to encourage Ethiopians to wear shoes
  • $17 million on unused hotel rooms for illegal immigrants
  • $1.7 billion to maintain 77,000 empty federal buildings
  • $519,828 for a study to “emulate the violence of racism by agitating mice”
  • $31.5 million in COVID relief funds to purchase luxury cars (including Porsches, Ferraris and Lamborghinis)
  • $50 million to encourage tourism in Tunisia
  • $3 million to build a Gandhi museum
  • $689,22 studying the romance between parrots
  • $675,000 to “compare ant and human brain development”

“It’s clear Uncle Sam either needs to rein in the spending or getting a better account-ant,” the Festivus Report advised.

“Well, put your feet up and get ready for this one,” it continued, highlighting “$140 million in COVID-19 relief funds to construct an 800-room luxury hotel overlooking the Atlantic Ocean that includes 30,000 square feet of pool decks, a rooftop bar, and even a 11,000-square-foot spa and fitness center.”

Paul ended his Festivus thread on Twitter with yuletide note:

“I hope we all take some time this Holiday season to be grateful for the good in our lives, the love of our family and friends, and try to think of making our own part of the world a better place. For now, I leave Washington to celebrate Christmas, worried about our future but hopeful that more good men and women will keep fighting for liberty and fiscal sanity.”

Paul’s fellow lawmaker, Rep. Dan Bishop, R-N.C., seemed up for the fight, while managing to keep the holiday spirit alive.

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